Carter Lowe Creator, entrepreneur, and self-care advocate
Reading time: 6 min

How to find a mate

Simple secrets of successful dating. Any strong relationship that satisfies both sides is built on sympathy. And in order to feel sympathy...

Love for a person of the opposite sex for the very first time arises in early childhood - at the age of 3-5 years. A child falls in love (a boy falls in love with his mother, and a girl with his father) and experiences the whole gamut of feelings inherent in an adult - this is tenderness, and the desire to be together, and envy, jealousy for a rival (second parent). Depending on how the beloved parent reacts to the feelings of the little man, the further fate of an adult will take shape, his ability to build love relationships in his adult life will be formed. If a parent of the opposite sex reciprocates the feelings of the child, shows parental love, then, having reached puberty, such a person will seek, find, choose people similar to the object of his childhood love (carrying out care and support) as a love partner. Otherwise, the choice of a partner is based on the principle of similarity (“I love someone who looks like me”). Moreover, this similarity may lie in the fact that the beloved “looks like me as I used to be”, “looks like me today”, “looks like who I myself would like to be”, “has character traits that I really wanted would have."

Any strong relationship that satisfies both parties is built on sympathy. And in order to feel sympathy, you need to at least know a person a little - this is how long-term relationships begin. And for this, it goes without saying, you need to communicate - only in this case the partner will not be invented, but the real one. Nita Tucker, in her best-selling book How to Get Rid of Loneliness, strongly recommends going on at least three dates before making a final decision on whether to continue with this person or not.

The more interest you show in another person, the more likely it is that a spark will run between you and there will be room for mutual sympathy. There is no need to be afraid to show yourself as versatile as possible, and not just what you consider your strengths. It is quite possible that what you consider to be your shortcoming, your future partner is just looking for in another person.

Even before searching for the ideal person for you, you need to write down three to five main qualities that you would like to see in him and for which you are ready to turn a blind eye to his imperfections.

Next step. Take a sheet of paper and in two columns write what positive things a new acquaintance and subsequent long-term relationship will bring to you. And what additional “inconveniences”, obligations (to remain faithful, coordinate your actions with a partner, forgive mistakes, accept shortcomings, give a partner the right to self-expression, help in everyday life, etc.) it can bring. Take your time, write in detail, point by point: 1, 2, 3...

It would be nice if your future partner did the same, and you could compare your lists.

Now look at your list to see which column has more items. If in the second there are additional “inconveniences” from relationships, then it is not surprising that your new acquaintances lead to nothing, you unconsciously run away from them like the plague.

Review your lists again and, after careful consideration, either add the positive points in the first column, or cross something out of the negative column as unimportant or optional.

In the event that there is little or no inconvenience - therefore, you are far from reality and turn a blind eye to your future duties, do not want to take responsibility. Moreover, most likely, you, one way or another, when communicating, make it clear to your partner. And, it is quite possible that long-term relationships do not add up for this very reason.

For a long-term, strong, satisfying relationship, the pros must outweigh the cons, and they must carry more weight. Otherwise, there will simply be no point in these relationships.

It is very important to know exactly what you want from the relationship and at some stage to ask what your partner expects from the relationship. You can ask him if he shares your views on the future, but you can’t push him to agree with you - this can lead to the exact opposite effect.

At the beginning of a relationship, it doesn't have to be long-term plans. If both agree on the opinion “let's just meet for now, it's better to get to know each other” - this is already a good sign. And these are also plans, and they are good because they are mutual, mutual.

For a long, strong relationship, it is very important for both to have approximately the same level of self-esteem, or to catch up with the partner’s level, if it is higher, learn from him, but in no case try to lower him - it will not end in anything good.

There is such an interesting point - the more at the beginning of a relationship two idealize (see only advantages and stubbornly ignore shortcomings) of each other, the more likely it is that at some point they may become disappointed in each other. Simply because there are no perfect people.

Conversely, the more one dislikes the other, the greater the chance that with prolonged communication he can pleasantly surprise.

Those negative aspects that we see and want to correct in a partner, one way or another, are inherent in ourselves. We notice - only because we know, and we know, because we ourselves “passed through”. Therefore, before you run to correct your partner, you should think about whether to become more tolerant of your shortcomings, or whether to work on self-improvement. And at the same time be aware that one hundred percent perfect relationships and people can only be in works of art.

True love is the love of two imperfect people. Non-ideal in general, statistically average non-ideal, non-ideal for others, but ideal (the most suitable, close to ideal) for each other.