Carter Lowe Creator, entrepreneur, and self-care advocate
Reading time: 5 min

How to become a cool gopnik

Many laugh at the gopniks, this wonderful and one of the most ancient diasporas of the planet. But we will tell you how to become a real and the coolest gopnik!

From time immemorial, mankind has been tormented by one question. Because of it, terrible wars happened, cities were built and destroyed, entire nations disappeared and new countries appeared. The question sounded trite - "Who is cooler?". In the modern world, with its population of many thousands, the criteria for coolness have spread so much that the point of the highest steepness for each stratum of the population has become its own.

In order not to repeat the mistakes of the deep past, below is a detailed guide "How to become cool" for various subcultures, personalities and other content of the planet Earth.

One of the oldest diasporas that have survived to this day are gopniks. Still not being such because of slowed down thought processes, they killed Caesar by putting him on a feather, pulled off a large-scale scam with the Trojan horse, discovered America, shot off half the face of the sphinx and marinated Lennon in the mausoleum. These actions show how powerful the gopniks were in antiquity.

The current generation of gopniks has been influenced by rays-from-space, which has affected their already not very fast thought processes. Subsequently, they invented the so-called "caps" to protect against exposure to rays. But let's not deviate from the topic of exaltation in the ranks of these undoubtedly valiant and courageous people.

1. First you need to be born in the family of a dysfunctional fitter and conductor. It is advisable to be born in a one-room apartment on the ground floor of the so-called "gopnitsky" districts, in order to absorb the aura surrounding you from a very young age, increasing your coolness.

2. Having lived to the age of 14-18, it is necessary to join a gang, taking away the shopping bag with empty bottles from the homeless as cruelly as possible in front of non-authoritative, but knowing life and concepts of gopniks with a low value of toughness, basking in the sun. Having felt your potential, they will certainly accept you into their team.

3. Do not forget that all your speech, all the sounds you make should be as simple and understandable as possible! The author recommends using more interjections (no, no, don't remember this word), parasitic words, moronic laughter and spitting on the floor during the conversation. This simple rule will help other gopniks understand you and increase your authority and coolness accordingly. “Why, the real brother sets out on. Damn it!”

4. Watch your appearance! The presence on you of types of clothing alien to gopniks can destroy your authority once and for all, and at the same time shake your health. Wear "sweatpants", "abibass", "chain", "chotky" and certainly "nishtyak" (cap). And REMEMBER: "HUGO BO" is cooler than any "HOGO BOSS". By watching you and seeing you without her for more than 24 hours, gopniks may realize that you are not subject to rays-from-space and reject your friendship. The author recommends, in addition to the standard gopnik attire, to use an old purse and a mobile phone of the 2008 model. It is also strongly recommended to shave to a state close to zero.

4. By following these simple rules, you will quickly gain a decent authority among the gopniks, but do not forget to imitate them. Squatting is a great ritual to prove your openness to the gopnik world. The weirder the place where you sit, the cooler it is. Don't forget to press your heels, otherwise not much. Ideally, you should sleep on your haunches, so ride public transport, stand in line for beer, nibble on seeds, and so on.

6. To achieve the highest gopian steepness, you must also fight boldly, be able to eat "nishtyaks" and "seeds", take away phones and food from civilians (the so-called suckers) and gather around your own kind for joint rituals.

7. When your appearance terrifies the Lakhs, there will be at least 10-15 gopniks around you, you will dissect on a tinted “Vasmer” and gnaw at the samples with buckets— Congratulations—you have become a cool gopnik!!!

A reminder for a gopnik how to fight properly:

A fight is a logical and often inevitable continuation of the discussion. As a rule, a fight goes through several stages.

The first stage usually consists of squinting, akimbo, and intimidating postures (putting hands on hips, hunched over looking down at opponent, occasionally spitting on the floor).

The second stage consists in an attempt to assess the combat readiness of their colleagues (will they run away?).

The third stage is the choice of the weakest opponent from among the opponents and a dash in his direction.

The fourth stage is direct argumentation.

The fifth and final stage - (usually, in response to a clear advantage of opponents) consists in an attempt to cause panic and disengage by shouting: “Brothers, cops are on their way! Run away!" (As a rule, this is not true, since the police usually drive up only after they are convinced that the fight is over)