Carter Lowe Creator, entrepreneur, and self-care advocate
Reading time: 7 min

How not to be afraid to change, or Why it's not scary to be yourself?

A person understands that in order to change his life, he needs to change himself. How not to be afraid to change, or Why is it not scary to be yourself?

Everything in the world is constantly changing. Even within one short human life, many changes take place, especially if a person strives for this consciously. This position is chosen by those who want to achieve more than they already have. A person understands that in order to change his life, he needs to change himself: develop some qualities in himself, gain certain knowledge, form new skills. For this purpose, a person usually comes to the training.

At the beginning of classes, I always ask my students why they came, what they expect from the training. It is very important that a person is aware of his intention. Then he will be able to manage the process of his life changes, or at least correct it. But even if a person does not really know what he wants, changes are inevitable. After all, the desire for change is inherent in us by nature itself. But external circumstances determine how fast and in what direction they will be carried out. If circumstances are modeled by life, then a person is simply fatally drawn into this whirlpool. If he forms them himself, then he “polishes” himself.

Once a friend asked me: “How do you want to change, slowly and less painfully, or quickly, but painfully?”. Her question prompted me to think about why, subconsciously wanting change, people do everything possible to prevent this from happening. For this purpose, a whole performance is sometimes played out depicting vigorous activity. In fact, this activity often hides the fear of true change. Therefore, a person simply runs in circles, not realizing that not every vigorous activity leads to sustainable changes.

What are we afraid of?

Pain. Even if you call it the fear of the unknown, behind it is still the fear of loss of comfort or fear of pain. None of us knows for sure whether it will be better or worse if we start to change. In this sense, fear acts as an enclosing barrier and protector at the same time. It makes us think about what we really want and what we are willing to pay for it.

Fear helps us make a more informed decision if we understand the cause of the fear itself. It is formed by our mind. He operates on past experience, on the basis of which he tries to model possible pictures of the future.

However, this is not possible. The very word "transformation", a synonym for "change", shows the mechanism of what happens in this process. The form, quality and nature of our connections and relationships with ourselves, with the outside world, with people are changing. Finally, in the process of personal growth, the mind itself changes, and what frightened it yesterday is already inspiring today.

Perhaps most of all we are afraid of losing loved ones. The fear of loneliness, disapproval, misunderstanding is also the fear of pain. Indeed, if we start to change dramatically and very quickly, it may cause resistance in our environment. They don't want to lose us either, but they also don't want, or maybe they can't, change as quickly as we do to keep the relationship on another level.

Many of the trainings that took place with me said that the most difficult thing for them is not even internal conflicts, which often become aggravated in the process of personal growth. The most difficult thing is to survive the reproaches of relatives and friends. We are constantly compared to what we were, in the context of "better or worse." However, these concepts are relative. Perhaps parents would like us to always remain children, obedient and dependent on them. Such relationships support the parent's sense of worth. But is it better for the child himself to remain dependent?

Is it possible to find a reasonable compromise so that you can develop and at the same time not shock your environment? I guess so. However, this will require, above all, honesty from the person himself. The truth about ourselves is sometimes so painful that we are ready to be distracted by anything: enter into a mental dialogue with cosmic brothers in mind, talk about high things with invisible spiritual mentors, solve problems of a universal scale, take care of all humanity, fall in love at worst.

Psychological defenses are varied and very sophisticated. They hide things we don't want to know about ourselves. This tends to mirror our surroundings as well. It's not always that they don't want to understand us and accept us as changed. Sometimes we ourselves do not understand what is happening to us and where we are going.

In order to make the painful process of internal changes a little easier for you, I will share my personal experience. Let's consider a model of neurological levels of consciousness. Graphically, it is a pyramid consisting of the following levels: environment, behavior, skills, beliefs, personality or self-identity, mission or meaning of life.

So, changes can take place at different levels, and at different speeds.

The people who surround us, by their attitude towards us, show at what level and what changes are taking place. To understand this, it is enough to learn just three rules:

  1. Changes at a higher level instantly cause changes at a lower one;
  2. Changes at lower levels produce changes at higher levels very slowly;
  3. Changes downstream without corresponding changes upstream are short-lived.

How to understand and use it in practice.

Yes, very simple. Instead of getting angry at your loved ones or upset that they do not understand, share and do not approve of the changes taking place in us, you can think about what they tell us.

For example, if a person, after reading books, changed his beliefs, or rather, absorbed strangers that seemed close to him, he may begin to behave differently (behavior), to which his environment will react. The reaction may be skeptical. Not surprising. After all, it is not you, but someone else's, still someone else's, conviction in you that makes you behave differently. But if the belief arose not as a result of what the coach said, but became the result of personal experience in the process of knowing one's own destiny, over time this will earn the respect of those around us, even if they initially perceived it with caution or hostility.

Photo: rolands.lakis
A striking example is the hero of the movie "Billy Eliot". This is the story of a boy from a small mining town in England. His father sent him to boxing to raise a real man. But Billy suddenly becomes addicted to ballet lessons. At first, he hides it from his relatives so as not to be ridiculed. But then the children's hobby becomes for him both self-expression (personality) and the meaning of life (mission).

Would a little boy be able to defend his conviction with such tenacity if it did not correspond to his destiny? Would his stern miner father not only come to terms with his son's strange behavior, but also change his own beliefs in order to earn money and pay for his studies at a prestigious ballet school, if it was just a whim?

And now I will tell you the most important thing: do not be afraid to change, do not be afraid of disapproval and misunderstanding of loved ones. Even if the inner changes that are taking place in you cause them discomfort, they will change their attitude as soon as these changes cover all levels of your manifestation. By doing this, you will help them to realize who they are and why they live. Oddly enough, one can not understand (the level of beliefs), but accept (the level of personality and mission), because feelings are stronger than the mind. We admire strong personalities who managed to defend their right to be themselves. If you want to be truly respected and accepted as you are, cast aside doubts and overcome fear. The path to yourself can be painful, thorny and long, but it is worth it. This is my personal conviction. I want it to be yours - the result of your personal experience!

Photo: Manky Maxblack

Author: Olga Nikolaevna Malevitskaya psychologist, journalist, business coach, financial consultant ".