When entering into a relationship, people expect a cloudless paradise and other pink nonsense. But relationships are often difficult.
Fear of intimacy is generally adequate if one understands what a person may encounter in close relationships.
First, having a partner makes it possible to project onto him something that I deny in myself. On the one hand, meeting with myself can be very painful, I can find out that I am not such a wonderful person as I thought before. On the other hand, it's great if you notice such things, you can work on restoring your integrity. And if you do not work on yourself, then you can successfully shift the responsibility for your internal processes to another, which can also be considered a plus. That is, as long as I am not alone, there is someone who carries my inner load of problems.
Secondly, with unpleasant feelings, such as shame, irritation, pain. All childhood traumas come up. After all, when there is one, then there are no triggers that bring this entire layer to life.
Third, most people go into close relationships to get what a person has needed since childhood: support, attention, care, recognition. And from experience it turns out that not only is it not a fact that he will receive it, but plus, you can also find out that now there really is no one to be my mom and dad. Although, in general, many manage to play the role of parents to each other for quite a long time, until they finally become stuffy from mutual control and self-affirmation.
The perception of a partner as an object to meet my childhood needs is a child's perception. Children do not really see living beings in their parents for the time being, especially if the parents do not admit this to their children, for example, that they are also sometimes afraid, ashamed, guilty, angry, tired, hate, feel helpless, something they don’t know, they are confused, they want and dream, and with all their might they play the role of the strong and omnipotent. Well, since a child, in order to feel safe while he is growing up, needs just such a parent, strong, fearless, omnipotent, the child tries to ignore any "human" (as opposed to "divine") manifestations of his parents, idealizing their. Disillusionment with the divine nature of one's parents and oneself is a process of revitalization indeed. Revival means vulnerability, vulnerability, sensitivity, that is, what you so much want to avoid in order to avoid any suffering.
If earlier relationships served as a way of survival, now, when everyone can earn a living for himself and wash his socks, they begin to be a way of self-development.