Didn't get along in a relationship

“They didn’t get along in a relationship” - this is what most often sounds like the reason for breaking up a relationship during a divorce. Sometimes such a reason is indicated, including by spouses who have lived together for decades.

A reasonable question arises - how did two people live together for so many years if their characters are not compatible? Or were their characters compatible up to a certain period of time, and then suddenly not?

Why this happens, is it possible to avoid it and how to fix it if it has already happened, let's sort it out in order.

To do this, let's go back to the origins of relationships and trace clearly where it all begins, and where the first mistakes in relationships are born, which subsequently lead to collapse.

So you fell in love…

The beginning of a relationship

You fell in love, she fell in love... Hormones of love turned your head, an unreasonable smile does not leave your face, and your eyes glow with happiness... Everything is on fire at work and argues, you are ready to hug and kiss everyone around. You can neither sleep nor eat. You are always cheerful and happy, constantly holding the phone in your hands, waiting for a message or a call from your beloved.

Everything is so good, and even the sun seems to shine brighter. She is so special, inimitable, a one-of-a-kind version, which is no longer on the Planet...

The girl lives in about the same mood and feels something similar to you.

You are ready to hug, merge in a single kiss and never be separated again for a second! You are so perfect for each other, she has the perfect personality. And her words that you are unique, a VIP - a man, which she has never seen in her entire life, are damn flattering to you and elevate self-esteem to heaven. You, in turn, generously endow her not only with compliments, but also with flowers and gifts. She is so wonderful...

The girl understands you perfectly, and you her... She has no flaws at all, but perhaps cute features, but this is not taken into account. If you disagree with something, you will remain silent. And why say something, because it is better to show yourself from the best side. And you wear a mask, as does she, but you both prefer not to notice it yet.

At first, we all, both men and women, try to show our best side. How else! You are always gallant, well-mannered and calm. Forgive her mood swings. She, in turn, is always beautiful, spectacular, sexy and sexy little thing, who loves sex and is ready for any experiments in bed. She is always "at the parade" - hairstyle, manicure, "outfit". Not a girl - but a goddess who descended from Olympus!

This is how you live in unison, fueled by strong emotions and wrapped in happiness...until your hormones kick in.

The clash of the characters of a man and a woman

The man wakes up first from this romantic feeling. Given that he is the main engine of your relationship, if only because he is a man (after all, it was he who took active steps to take the impregnable fortress, storming it from all sides, and using heavy artillery methods, right)?

And so he woke up and found that the lady of the heart had already been conquered by him a long time ago. Why now this endless love correspondence during the working day, because you can talk in the evening. So I started all the work, while walking as if spellbound. In addition, it has become completely different from what it seemed to you in the candy-bouquet period. No longer so beautiful and well-groomed every day, she doesn’t cook dinner in heels and in a peignoir, and she has ceased to endlessly want sex. The man has a not entirely pleasant sensation with a hint of deceit. Yes, it's cheating. He feels that the girl deceived him, pretending not to be the one she really is.

You won't believe it, but she feels the same way. Before, you endlessly called and wrote to her, showered her with countless bright compliments, from which she wanted to soar above the ground. The daily sweets/bouquets/dates drove her crazy and made her feel like a goddess. Now you've taken it all away from her. And she feels used. Yes, the used one! She tried so hard - she looked at the highest level, she behaved correctly, she prepared all sorts of delights for you, in bed she gave herself to you without a trace. Restrained, did not express anything to you. And you used it as you wanted and when you wanted, and now you have cooled off! Pomatrosil and abandoned! That's what a girl thinks when you slow down to conquer her.

She is trying to get the relationship back on track. He starts demanding, asking, crying, reproaching, blaming you. Her transformation from a spectacular bitch-coquette, which struck you on the spot at the first meeting, into an evil depressive fury, pouring accusations of all mortal sins on you, is at least shocking and strongly repulsive.

The logical end of a relationship is to end it. But you can't. Neither you nor she can. Why is this happening? What keeps two people who already hate each other together? And it keeps you emotionally dependent.

Both you and she enjoyed the beginning of the romantic relationship very much. Both of you were flattered by mutual compliments, and an avalanche of hormones caused a flurry of violent emotions.

Both you and she made their own plans, and have certain expectations from this relationship. Both of you have invested your strength, money, time into the relationship, and now both of you also want to take "their own" from this relationship. No, this is not about returning gifts. Everyone wants to continue to receive from the partner the emotions that he claimed at the beginning of the relationship.

Thus, a new stage of relations begins - a co-dependent period with showdowns and scandals.

We didn't get along

A long war begins with a partner for a place under the sun, more precisely for a place in each other's heart and the return of former positions.

You tell her that she acts like a depressive hysteric who makes endless scandals and constantly cries and screams. She accuses you of deceit and heartlessness.

Who is to blame, and what to do next?

Both of you are to blame. After all, you “on the shore” did not agree on joint plans for life. Each made their own plans, expecting that the partner dreams of the same. And the partner dreamed about his own and thought the same way as you - that you were looking in the same direction, and was also silent...

Yes, she stopped putting on a daily make-up, stopped taking care of herself, you also don’t clean-shaven every day for her and without a bouquet of roses.

You both deceived each other by not living up to joint expectations. Both of you at the very beginning of a romantic relationship, fell for the emotions that overwhelmed you, hid behind masks and began to play other people's roles. The roles of people you are not.

The second stage of acquaintance begins - acquaintance of the real you. And if you like each other the way you really are, your feelings will grow into a real deep mature love, if not, then answer the questions of relatives and friends with a banal phrase - they didn’t agree on the characters...

We lived for many years and suddenly did not agree on the characters

Sounds strange at first glance, agree? In fact, there is nothing strange or unusual about this.

Most likely, a lady paired with low self-esteem or a perfectionist, who, having discovered that her partner did not suit her in one way or another, took on the role of God and decided to change him. By the way, for some reason, women often believe that they have the right to change a man to their own taste and way, not taking into account that he is the same person and is not in the mood to change. From this, he desperately begins to resist, either begins to abuse alcohol, or gets a mistress (who does not try so clearly to change him and blind him what is needed, unlike the legal "wife").

What to do?

First, sit down and talk. Admit your own mistakes and deal with your feelings. There is a chance that you are real - no worse than the “me imagined” ones, whose roles you tried desperately to play at the very beginning of the relationship.

Time will put everything in its place. Remember - yours will never leave you and will not go anywhere! And if this is really your destiny, then you will still be together, in spite of any difficulties. Through thorns to the stars…