Deception in courtship

You can not give free rein to your emotions and follow their lead. Life is a competition, and in it the calmer and more reasonable one most often wins.

Dating deception has several aspects that differ both in psychological motives and in the technique of implementation.

Firstly, this is a distortion of perception, that is, a form of self-deception, which takes the form of idealizing a partner, emphasizing his merits and ignoring his shortcomings.

Secondly, this is already a conscious or semi-conscious lie, aimed at winning the heart of the chosen one at any cost. This is flattery, and attributing to oneself non-existent virtues, and the use of dishonest methods, and belittling oneself (to evoke a feeling of pity, through which one can achieve more tender feelings, etc.).

Thirdly, this is such a sophisticated form of deception as manipulating a partner, that is, creating conditions under which he is forced to marry (get married).

Now let's dwell on these options in more detail, starting with the first: self-deception, or idealization of the object of one's adoration.

Vladimir Vysotsky in one of his early songs plays up the situation when a guy falls in love with a notorious slut and dreams of spending the night with her. Friends dissuade him, citing various, quite reasonable arguments that should convince the guy that the object of his desire is completely unworthy of such a strong feeling. However, the consciousness distorted by love does not want to hear anything. - Well, what's the matter with this Ninka

- Well, she lived with the whole Ordynka, And sleep with her - well, who wants to himself? “I don’t care, I really want to!” She said she loves. All swept up! - I will answer, a rupee for a hundred, that she is lying: Well, she asks for it herself... - And what do I want - I really want to! - Well, she wheezes, she's dirty, And her eye is blackened, and her legs are different. Always dressed like a cleaning lady... - Don't care, I really want to! Eric Berne believes that lovers, in their immediacy and detachment from petty worldly concerns, are very reminiscent of children. In addition, they surround the object of their love with a luminous halo, invisible to anyone but those who love. He writes: “It is reminiscent of the glow that some people see when under the influence of a drug, such as LSD. The difference is that two people are involved in mutual love and they are much more absorbed in each other than in what is going on in their own heads. Drugs replace people, but people are better than drugs. The person who has taken LSD is poisoned, while the lover is in the purest possible state: he is free from the poisons of parental depravity and from the fears of the Adult, his Child can surrender himself to the greatest adventure open to the human race. Once poisoned, the addict is at the mercy of an impersonal and inhuman force that will not listen to him and is not interested in his well-being.

Lovers enjoy not only words, but also the sounds of each other's voice, and the most important thing for each of them is the well-being and happiness of the other. Love is a sweet trap from which no one leaves without tears.

Love is rarely mutual at first sight. Usually one falls in love first and tries with all his might to evoke a reciprocal feeling in the object of his adoration. And to win the heart of the chosen one, any means are good, including a lie (sometimes in this case it is called a saint, implying that, apart from love, there is no other selfish interest in it).

The first technique involved in deceit (however, a rather innocent one) is flattery, which is used by both men and women alike, although in different forms.

Men often resort to flattery during courtship, and the question is whether a woman will take their praise at face value. If she critically reacts to the praises in her honor, her head will remain cold and she will retain her reason and sober calculation. If she involuntarily plays along with her tempter, considering herself really charming and irresistible, then she may be in trouble. Flattery is a kind of spiritual drug, and, having heard it once, you want to hear it again and again.

As an illustration, I will cite an excerpt from Daniel Defoe's novel "The Joys and Sorrows of the Famous Mole Flenders", which describes the life path of a woman who knew many men, but managed to draw the appropriate conclusions from her experiments. Throughout her eventful life, she changed many men and drank a lot of dashing, all because in her youth she completely and unconditionally believed what the young rake whispered to her. Already in old age, the repentant Mole Flanders describes her life and remarks: “I am talking about this so that young inexperienced girls who fall into the eyes of these lines will know what hardships await them if they think too early about their appearance. A girl need only imagine herself pretty, and she will never doubt the veracity of a man who swears his love to her; for if she considers herself so attractive as to captivate him, then what is more natural that he succumbs to her charms. In the future, Mole Flanders figured out how to behave with men, and she herself played her own game with them, as a rule, achieving her goals. The main principle that she learned while analyzing the mistakes of her youth is that you cannot give free rein to your emotions and follow their lead. Life is a competition, and in it the calmer and more reasonable one most often wins. By adhering to this tactic, she was able to ignite the passion of the man she liked for herself and marry him without having a sufficient dowry. She succeeded in this, and she behaved so skillfully and prudently that until the very wedding her husband did not dare to directly ask her about the size of the dowry, which, in general, was not typical for the mores of those times.

“Until this very moment, I continued to assume indifference, which sometimes surprised him more than before, but also warmed up his zeal. I mention this mainly as an example to women; let them know that nothing so ruins our sex and does not contribute to a dismissive attitude towards us, as the fear of venturing into such feigned indifference; if we valued the attention of arrogant dandies less, then, probably, we would be more respected and looked after us more.

In the art of evoking love, in addition to open flattery, as they say, “in the eyes”, there is also absentee flattery, acting gradually and imperceptibly, and therefore more dangerous. Anton Pavlovich Chekhov, an excellent psychologist, described such a way to fall in love with himself in one of his stories.

“This method is the most subtle, clever, malicious and most dangerous for husbands. It is understood only by psychologists. It takes patience, patience and more patience. In this way, when conquering someone's wife, you keep yourself as far away from her as possible. Feeling an attraction to her, a kind of illness, you stop visiting her, meet with her as rarely as possible.

Here you operate from a distance. She must not see, but she must feel you, as a rabbit feels a boa constrictor. You hypnotize her not with a look, but with the poison of your tongue, and her husband himself can serve as the best transmission wire.

For example, I am in love with the person N. M. and I want to conquer her. I meet her husband somewhere. “How is your wife doing? I ask him casually. “Dearest woman, I like it terribly!”

- Why did you like it so much? asks the happy husband. - Understand, your wife is the most ideal woman, a charming, poetic creature, she can even fall in love with a stone. You husbands are prose writers and don't understand special women. - What is special about her? - the husband is perplexed. “Forgive me, beauty, full of grace, poetic and at the same time mysterious.

The husband on the same day will not bear not to tell his wife:

- I saw Pyotr Semenovich. Praised you terribly. Excited. And you are beautiful. And graceful. And mysterious, and as if you are able to love somehow especially.

The wife, of course, vaguely understands these conversations, but still melts and chokes with delight. And the poor wife is gradually seized by a passionate thirst for a meeting with me. I'm the only person who understood her. But I stubbornly do not go and do not come across her eyes, she has not seen me for a long time, but my painfully sweet poison has already poisoned her. The husband conveys my words to her, and it seems to her that she hears my voice, sees the sparkle in my eyes.

It's time to seize the moment. One evening my husband comes home and says:

- I just met Pyotr Semenovich. Boring, sad, hung up his nose. Complains that longing has overcome. I, he says, is alone, I have no friends, there is no soul that would understand me and merge with my soul. Yes, a big eccentric... - continues the husband. - From longing, he says, I don’t go home, I walk along the Central Boulevard all night.

My wife is hot. She passionately wants to go to Central Boulevard and look at least with one glance at the man who managed to understand her and who is now in anguish and sadness.

Who knows? If she spoke to him now, say two words of consolation to him, perhaps he would stop suffering.

But that's impossible... wild, she thinks. “You shouldn’t even think about it.” But, having waited for her husband to fall asleep, she raises her hot head and thinks: what if she dares to leave the house now? After that, it will be possible to lie something, for example, she went out to breathe a little fresh air at the entrance.

And she dresses, quietly leaves the house and hurries to the boulevard. The boulevard is dark and deserted.

There is no one, but now she sees someone's silhouette. This must be him. Trembling all over, not remembering herself, she slowly approaches me... I go to her. We stand in silence for a minute and look into each other's eyes. Another minute of silence passes and... she is in my arms.

In addition to flattery, lovers often use the technique of "attributing non-existent virtues to themselves." Basically, this is a “male” technique, reminiscent of the blooming of the tail of a peacock caring for a peacock. Men likewise spread their feathers, puff up their chests, and extol their real or non-existent perfections. As the Russian folk proverb says, “the girl is beckoned, they promise seven cities, but they will lure her out - and there is no suburb”, retribution comes later, when it turns out that there was nothing behind the loud phrases. The injured party in this case is more often a woman, although a man can also pay for hastily issued advances. This was noticed by the Somalis, who have the following saying: "A woman is brought into the house by deceit, but they live by the truth."

However, more often than not, both parties involved in a love flirtation understand the true value of the promises and confessions made during courtship. In this case, it is important not to lose your sense of humor.

A girl and a guy are going in a compartment. The guy liked the girl, and he asks:

- What nationality guys do you like the most? - Indians because they are very brave, and Jews because they are very smart.- Then allow me to introduce myself: Chingachguk Abram Moiseevich.

Deception is so often used by men during courtship that its use is not condemned, but rather favorably received. This has given rise to some moralists to argue that women choose unscrupulous people, preferring them to people who are modest and honest, who are much less likely to succeed with ladies.

On this occasion, Jean de La Bruyère wrote: “If a person is vain and indiscreet, loves to talk and joke flatly, is always pleased with himself and despises those around him, is corrupted by his soul, lacks decency and honor, and if, in addition, he is handsome and well built "He has all the qualities to turn the heads of many women."

However, for the sake of justice, it should be noted that women are not completely defenseless in love games either. They also have their own specific weapons. This is both coquetry and the notorious “weakness” that they use at the right time.

Based on materials from "The Art of Deception" Shcherbatykh Yuriy